What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Why was the rock band Kiss so successful?

Put me off passion for life!!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Im still living with it.

When British people write X after everything, are they being serious or trying not to be awkward?

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I don,t even have a pension.

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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Which type of physical cable has fastest transmission speed?

I never cut or harmed myself..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

She loved him until the end.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

This is soul school!.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I think the readers, may guess!

As i do to all so called friends.?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

But, we were locked up after school.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Especially a lifetime of it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I couldn’t, believe it.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I was scared of men, in general

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I had hoped to write a book about this .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I waited trembling.

I will be 64.

I was very sick at this time too.

She married twice! .

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Who then, do I blame.?

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He knew the spot.

My life is so biszare .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

One cannot live in the past .

I write beautiful poetry .

She wouldn,t have been !

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I could never make a relationship work though!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Was to survive, this bastard.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

So, i spoilt her more .

Would this be the day?

What did i know ?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Ive learnt so much.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

But it wasn’t much.

It was going to be , some day.

I was seconnd youngest,

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

She found it foreign!.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

So whats the point in blame.

We were not on the streets..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

And i lived it daily.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I said to her

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

All the time i was locked up.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He resisted the act ,that day.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

(And it was in our own minds.)

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Why did i forgive my father ?

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I have no regrets .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

We all went to grammer schools

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

When she asked me how she looked .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I was 9 years of age.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She was in good health!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

My family never makes their pension either.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Comes on , in middle age.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

But ive been too sick for many years..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Where the ultimate outsiders.